Heaven on Earth

This post has been on my mind for the last week and the events in CT today gave it new meaning. Anyone who knows me knows that “emotional” and “compassionate” aren’t generally the first words people use to describe me. If you’re looking for someone to empathize over your favorite shirt getting ruined in the wash or the hangover headache you have this morning, I’m not your gal. However, the truth is that when it comes to the really serious stuff, I actually empathize almost too much. 

We live in such a broken world and it’s easy to think that sin and sorrow have won out. You don’t have to look far to find people who are hurting, sick, despairing, stressed out, and desperate. Even without senseless tragedies like the shooting this week, pain and loss are all around us. Within my own small circle of friends and family, I’ve seen loss of relationships, finances, health, loved ones, and joy. It’s really easy to get caught up in all the loss and pain of those we care about. Sometimes watching them go through these things is worse than going through it ourselves. 

It hit me this week that I’d gotten wrapped up in all of it again. Wrapped up in the stress money troubles in our home and my family, wrapped up in the pain of people I care about, wrapped up in the tragedy in Newtown and the crushing agony those parents must be feeling. It would be so easy to get angry or bitter or cynical or numb. God reminded me of a few things though. First, this world is not our home. Life on it is messy but these “light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” (2 Cor. 4:17). Our true citizenship is in heaven (Phil. 3:20) and, once there, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain” (Rev 21:4). I know it sounds cliché, one of those things you say like “everything will be fine” or “it’ll all work out.” But it’s a lot more than that. For one thing, everything is not always fine and it doesn’t always work out but this is a guarantee, a promise from the One who cannot lie. We have to get it through our heads that while the choices we make here on earth are definitely important and can have eternal consequences; our lives here are only one tiny dot in the picture of eternity. Our short time here is supposed to be spent glorifying the God that we will get to worship forever one day. 

God didn’t say that our troubles here were unimportant or that our pain isn’t genuine but he called them light and momentary troubles because they are so brief in light of eternity. This brings me to the second thing God reminded me of this week. We’re studying John 1:1-14 at church and it’s talking about God becoming flesh in the body of Jesus. It reminded me that God is not a puppet master sitting up in heaven removed from our struggles. He put on flesh and walked among us, knowing pain and temptation just like us. Hebrews 4:15 says that he has “been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” When his friend, Lazarus, had died, he wept even knowing that he would raise him again because he felt the same pain we do over the loss. He emptied himself and took on the appearance of a man (Phil 2). He didn’t stop there, but took on the pain, the loss, the struggle, and the weariness of being a man. Ultimately, God wrapped in flesh, the all-powerful, all knowing Master of the Universe chose to submit himself to death on a cross so that we can have this hope and promise of heaven to give us strength and healing on earth. That is very real and something that we can hold on to and take joy in knowing.

Homemade granola bars for moms

My favorite snack lately has been homemade chewy granola bars. I recently got the book Mother Food at the recommendation of my friend, Amber Casbohm. Most women know to eat oats to increase their milk supply but there are actually a lot of other lactogenic foods. This snack can combine quite a few of them into a healthy, tasty bar. I got the recipe from smittenkitchen.com and have tweaked it just a bit.

1 2/3 cups quick rolled oats (if gluten-free, be sure to use gluten-free oats)
1/3 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup oat flour (or 1/3 cup oats, processed till finely ground in a food processor or blender)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2-3 cups dried fruits and nuts, processed if you prefer smaller bits (for nursing moms, a combination of any of the following: dried apricots, figs, dates, cashews, peanuts, pecans, almonds, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds. I also like cranberries and cherries and more fruit than nuts.)
6 tablespoons melted butter
1/4 cup honey, maple syrup or corn syrup (I usually use honey)
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1 tablespoon water

Mix together all dry ingredients, including nuts and fruits in a large bowl. In a small bowl or the measuring cup you melted the butter in, mix the wet ingredients. Then, combine them all in the large bowl until well moistened. Smitten Kitchen recommends an 8x8 pan but I usually use something a tad bit bigger or even a 9x13. Line it with parchment paper or use a non-stick spray. Then press the mixture into it with a spatula or your fingers. Bake at 350 for 30-40 minutes until golden brown around the edges. Let cool completely. I recommend sticking it in the fridge until cold to completely set it so it's less crumbly. Cut with a serraded knife. You can store separately in small separate baggies or plastic wrap. They keep for a few weeks. These are a great snack for kids too!

Marital Myths and Five Years of Bliss

One of the things that really irked me in the first few years of our marriage was references to "the honeymoon phase." People would frequently ask if we were still in this honeymoon phase or towards the end of the second year, make negative comments about it coming to an end. At the time, I didn't really know why this bothered me so much. I think I've figured it out though. Many of these well-meaning friends were demonstrating a certain mentality about marriage, whether or not they really believe it or were just being conversational. The mentality was that this "honeymoon phase," which is idealistic and marked by infatuation and emotionally driven behavior, is the good or the best part of marriage and that it's downhill after that. The idea that the first year or two of marriage are the best you'll ever have is sad and very dangerous. This is just one of the many cultural beliefs that has helped degrade our marriages because paired with the idea that we should always do what makes us happy, it leads to some pretty short marriages.

The problem with the whole thing is that you're assuming a marriage is at it's best during a period of time when your love is largely about emotions and obsession (and no, I'm not saying that this is always the case for every couple). If that's the case, I highly recommend not getting married. There is obviously an emotional component to love, but love is an action and a choice, not a feeling alone. Marriage is a covenant, a promise to love each other through all the trials of life until the end of life. You can't make that promise with any hope of keeping it if you think love is strongest at the beginning. You can only make that promise if you have decided to actively love your spouse regardless of how you feel about them and what you're going through. This may not sound romantic, but it's really the key to a true, lasting romance. When you've committed to each other like that, you can have a truly happy marriage. Those warm, gushy feelings should be an outcome of your faithful love towards each other, not the foundation of it.

All of this to say, those first couple of years are fun and exciting and special and you'll never get them back. But they are not the best. Marriage just gets better. Every day that you live life together, every day that you wake up and make the decision to treat your spouse with love and respect, every day that you get to know your spouse better makes your marriage better. I do not mean that every day will be happy or that you'll always like your spouse. It's far more likely that you will have days or even weeks or years where your marriage struggles and is even miserable for a time. When that happens you can get out and jump into another relationship that will be happy for a time before also falling apart. Or you can stick it out and keep your covenant. Interestingly enough, Tim Keller noted in his book, the Meaning of Marriage, that most couples who are unhappy right now but stick it out, are happy within five years and go on to have happy marriages.

On a similar note, when we were planning to have a child and while I was pregnant and after I had Izzy, a number of people made comments about life being over after having a kid. Life is definitely different and will never be the same, but it is so much better.

Nate and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary this weekend and I can truly say that I am happier, more in love, more satisfied with my marriage and our life together than I ever have been before. What really excites me is that I believe in five more years, I'll be able to say the same thing. We're both far from perfect and we have our flaws and pet peeves and sinful natures. There are plenty of times that we annoy or even infuriate each other. But we also push each other to grow, to love God more, to love others more, to be sanctified. There's no one but Nate that I would rather be with and I look forward to the rest of our lives together.

Making my vote count for something (Warning: Highly biased)

I've been sitting here for the last few hours after the final presidential debate contemplating politics...and playing mahjong. I haven't watched much of the debates this time around because I don't care for either candidate and I find them pretty frustrating. My husband and I have been arguing over how we should vote. He's been pretty adamant that he'll either vote Libertarian or not at all. I keep arguing that we have to choose the lesser of two evils and get Obama out at the cost of getting Romney in. After tonight, he's finally swayed me (he usually is right). Not surprising, considering how both candidates parrotted their talking points, repeating the same dead arguments, and failed to demonstrate the ability to think critically or to show consistency in their political philosophies (though Obama probably did better on that count).

Ultimately, if you identify with the Libertarian viewpoint, you have a choice this election between voting your ideals or voting pragmatically for a slightly more favorable outcome. The bottom line is that at the core Romney and Obama are very similar. Both believe in big government, running at a deficit, and sticking their noses where they don't belong. Obama puts his in closer to home, in funding endless programs and controlling how I spend my own money. Romney wants to poke his in everywhere, policing the world. Both believe in spending too freely, whether it's my hard earned dollars going to those who are too lazy to work or in lives far too casually spent in wars we don't belong in. The Republican party has become more and more about big government over the decades, trying to validate it's massive military spending with supposed free capitalism ideals. The tea party movement has tried to bring us back to conservative roots but the choice of a presidential candidate indicates they've failed, at least for now. I keep hearing that you can't "waste your vote" by voting for a third party, but the problem is that by voting for Romney, you're not just voting against Obama. You are voting for Romney and everything he stands for...at least when he's choosing to stand for it. For me, I can't in good conscience vote in someone who is going to increase the debt my kids are going to inherit.

So the question is, do you still have hope for true conservativism in America? If you don't, then by all means, vote for the lesser of two evils so that you're not "wasting your vote." If you do, then instead of "making your vote count," make it count for a candidate that most closely lines up with your political philosophy. Is the Libertarian party going to win this election? No. Next election? Probably not. But I'm going to hope that by the time my daughter can vote that she'll have an opportunity to vote for someone who believes in small federal government, stronger states, upholding the constitution, and protecting our property and our rights vigorously.

All I Owe

Our church just had a launch party for our new building and got Indelible Grace to do a concert for it. If you're not familiar with them, they're a great group that puts new music to old hymns. They sang one song that I hadn't heard before that really stuck out to me:

All I Owe

Verse 1:
When this passing world is done
When has sunk yon glaring sun,
When we stand with Christ in glory
Looking o'er life's finished story
Then, Lord, shall I fully know
Not till then, how much I owe

Chorus:
All I owe You paid for me
From all I owe I've been set free
And all I owe proves Your great mercy to me

Verse 2:
When I stand before Your throne
Dressed in beauty not my own
When I see You as You are
Love You with unsinning heart
Then Lord, shall I fully know
Not till then, how much I owe

Bridge:
Chosen not for good in me
Wakened up from wrath to flee
Hidden in the Savior's side
By the Spirit sanctified
Teach me, Lord on earth to show
By my love, how much I owe

Words by Robert M. McCheyne and Matthew S. Smith. Music by Matthew S. Smith.
(c) 2003 Detuned Radio Music (ASCAP)

Money has been on our minds a good bit lately. We have a lot of debt and sometimes it feels like we are being crushed under a mountain of financial responsibilities. The wording in this song "all I owe" brought to mind our debt and I realized that what we owe financially here on earth is miniscule compared to what we, in our sin, owe God. We could never repay it. That mountain of debt crushes all life from us and we cannot make the smallest dent in it. Yet God says that through Christ's death and resurrection, our debt is completely wiped away. Sometimes I like to make that a smaller thing than it is. Like God opened an excel spreadsheet of my net worth and just cleared out a few cells that were red and put me in the black. But in reality, my debt to God is like sinking sand, and I can only sink farther and farther with the certain promise of death. That's what Christ died for and rescued me out of.

A ridiculously long post about cloth diapering

For anyone who hasn't used cloth diapers, you may find the idea a bit gross or complicated. I was worried about this and Nate considerably more so. We've both found it surprisingly bearable however. I even find that Izzy's cloth diapers tend to hold in the smell of a dirty/wet diaper better than a disposable does. With the better diapers, you also don't have those explosions out the diaper and up the back and down the legs that you'll often get with disposables. You do have to be prepared to wash them every 1-2 days depending on how many you buy.

So, when I reached out for advice on which cloth diapers to use, the only consistent recommendation I got was to try a little bit of everything before investing in a lot of any one type. And that's what I did. Four months and eleven diapers later, I've got a pretty good idea of what works for Izzy and me so I thought I'd share. I will preface this by saying that Izzy is a very thin baby and not all diapers work for all babies.

Newborn:

If I was going to go back and do it all over again, I probably wouldn't use cloth until my baby fit into a one size diaper simply because it's not that cost effective and I'm using cloth for the savings rather than green benefits. Most one size diapers start at 8lb. though they really start fitting well closer to 10lb. On the flip side, the newborn diapers only get used for such a short time so they will probably make it through 3-4 kids, adding to the savings. It also gives you a chance to figure out what you like.

I'm going to start with my favorite, Kissaluvs fleece fitted diapers (around $13). The fleece is soft and stays feeling dry even when it's pretty soaked which is my favorite feature. The diapers fit well and never leak. Their trimmer than most prefolds, although thicker than some other fitted options. They work for 5-15lb. and so far that's been true for Izzy. They fit well even when she was only 6lb. and she's still on a small setting at 11.5lb.

I tried both the snap and the velcro versions of the Thirsties Duo Wrap cover ($13) in size 1 and prefer the velcro because on the tightest setting it lays flat. This is a great cover and well worth the money. It comes in cute designs and I've never had a leak.

I decided to try a cheap fitted diaper as a prefold alternative and went with the Green Mountain Workhorse which is only $5 for the newborn size. It works for 5-10lb. As a prefold alternative, this is a great diaper. It has similar absorbency but holds everything in better than a prefold. However, it feels wet even when it's not that wet and has to be changed more often than the kissaluvs and did leak on occasion. Still not bad if you need something really cheap.

I also tried two prefolds, the Dandelion Unbleached ($2.65) and Indian Prefolds ($1.50). I hated the Dandelion because they are so thin that they don't hold much, were too small, and the sides are so thin I was worried about using Snappis. I will say though that a lot of people love them so maybe I was doing something wrong. The Indians were way better and worked well when she was really tiny but started leaking when she got a bit bigger so I went through covers so much that it wasn't very cost effective. They do make great burp cloths though if you decide you don't like them! I have a lot of friends who love their prefolds and don't have as many leaks, so maybe it depends on the baby!

I also tried some AIOs because I wanted something a bit easier, especially for babysitters and when we're out and about. I tried the GroVia Newborn AIO which is great as far as being trim and easy to use but I had constant leaks. I think this is because Izzy's legs are so thin and that it would be an awesome diaper for a chubby baby. We also tried the BumGenius Newborn XS diaper which has a smaller size range but leaked almost every time I used it despite fitting pretty well.

I also tried the Thirsties Duo AIO which is a pretty good diaper. It's fairly trim but absorbent, feels dry, is easy to use, and comes in velcro or snaps. Thirsties is a two size system, 6-18 and 16-35 and seems to run fairly true. I did think it was a bit bulky when she was really small but is pretty trim now. I have had a few leaks from it and you have to be careful that the attached soaker is tucked inside all the edges. I would only buy this if I was going to do both sizes because of the cost-you want to use it all the way through both sizes.

One-Size:

If you're going to use fitteds with covers, there's not really much of a cost savings in comparison with AIOs or pocket diapers because you need one cover for about every 3-4 diapers and the fitteds aren't cheap. I still prefer a fitted with cover for a newborn just because it worked better than the newborn AIOs, but for the long haul I wanted something a bit easier.

After everything I tried, I went with FuzziBunz One Size Elite Diapers ($18-20). This is a pocket diaper which is a little bit of a pain because it has to be stuffed, but is still easier than using a cover, especially when you're in a hurry. They're trim and have adjustable elastic that makes them fit well on any type of baby. They're absorbent and stay feeling pretty dry. They're easy to put on and and I've never had a leak. They advertise themselves as a 3-year diaper though they only have a 1-year warrantee so we'll have to see on that point. You can shake the insert out of the pocket without having to touch the dirty part of the diaper so that's definitely a plus. The inserts do take quite a while to dry though.

I love the BumGenius Freetime diaper ($18-20) as a nighttime diaper because it has two attached soakers that hold a lot and stay feeling dry. I've never had a leak so I trust them for 8-12 hours. The reason I won't use them as a daytime diaper is that they are super bulky, and are way too wide between the legs to fit well under clothing. They also dry super fast which is nice when you're behind on laundry!

Despite my poor experience with the GroVia Newborn, I tried the AIO Organic One-size ($20-24) because the leg gussets are designed differently. While they still didn't hug Izzy's legs, I've never had a leak even when using them overnight and they were a close second runner to the FuzziBunz. They're fairly trim, super easy to use, and hold a lot. The only real downside is that they're not quite as obvious to use as the Fuzzibunz so babysitters may be a bit confused and they're not quite as trim.

I also tried the Flip diaper with the Stay-Dry soaker (4-6/$50) just because it's about half the price if you're getting 2-3 uses out of the cover. I can definitely see this being a good option on an older baby but it was very bulky because Cotton Babies diapers run wide between the legs. I can definitely see the cover lasting through 2-3 inserts though I don't think it would make the best nighttime diaper. If you're looking for a cheap way to diaper an older baby, it's definitely a good option.

Other Cloth Diapering Stuff:

I use the Planet Wise Wet bags and have one large one and two mediums. The large I keep in the nursery, one of the mediums in my diaper bag, and the other medium as a backup for when I'm washing one of them. You can also do a trash can with disposable liners which probably protects against odor better but is also a recurring cost which I'm trying to avoid.

I've been using Nellie's detergent and haven't had any problems with it. I recommend doing a cold rinse, hot wash, and then another cold rinse to make sure you have all the detergent completely out. If you don't do the extra rinse, the detergent can build up and react to the ammonio in urine, causing a bad odor. I just got some EcoNuts and am excited about trying them because they're super cheap and have great reviews. I use Nellie's for all my laundry and plan on doing the same with EcoNuts. You may have to play around with how much detergent to use to get the diapers clean without causing buildup since it can vary based on how hard your water is. No matter how many diapers you have, you have to wash every other day because you can't leave them dirty longer than that.

I just started using cloth wipes and it's definitely not as bad as I expected. I only use them at home because it's just too much hassle when I'm out. I use water with a drop of baby body wash in a plastic container that I leave in my wipe warmer. I have 24 wipes and I only use them once then wash them to cut down on the gross factor. I got bumGenius wipes ($12/12) but I'm guessing there probably are not huge differences between brands.

Liners/Diaper Sprayers: With breastfed newborns, they don't really have solid poop so you don't have to worry about getting it off the diapers. I just throw them in the bag as is. I have tried bioliners which work quite well but are really unnecessary at this age. You'd need about 1-2 packs/mo and it'll run you anywhere from $12-24 depending on the brand. I might use them again when she's eating solids but right now that's a lot of cost. The better option for removing solids is a diaper spray (around $40) which attaches to the toilet. I haven't tried it but I've talked to a few people who swear by them and it's probably the route we'll go later on. Fuzzibunz has good reviews on theirs.

How many to buy: Newborns go through more diapers, usually around 12/day so I recommend having at least 18 (washing every day) and up to 30 (washing every other day). Once they get to about three months, they only use around 7-9 diapers/day so you'll need anywhere from 12-24 depending on how often you want to wash.

Where to buy: There are tons and tons of website that sell diaper products from WAHM sites to the big names like Amazon and Diapers.com. While I love to support the WAHMs, I've generally found the bigger sites to have better prices, especially on shipping, though there are exceptions. JackBeNatural does free shipping on most orders and has great customer service. The Baby Grocery Store has great customer service and they have a physical location! If you live near Charlotte, I highly recommend it as a way to go and actually see and feel the diapers before investing. He'll also negotiate prices a bit if you'll buy bulk. I do buy most of mine from Amazon because they sell pretty much everything and only once or twice have I found a better price elsewhere. Purchases over $50 get free shipping so I just make sure to order enough. You can run a google search on specific diapers if you want to price shop. You can also buy used off of Craigs list or even Facebook sites like JackBeNatural JackRestash. Also checkout http://paddedtushstats.com/ for info on laundry detergents, diaper reviews, washing tips, etc.

As mentioned before, I'm cloth diapering because of the cost savings, though I do like the idea of natural cloth on Izzy's sensitive skin rather than chemicals. However, there's a limit to how much hassle I'm willing to go through to save a few bucks so when we travel, I do use disposables (gasp!) and I think it's definitely the way to go! If I'm on vacation or doing a lot of running about visiting people, the last thing I want to worry about is washing diapers!

Bedtime prayers and the mundane

It's been a while since my last post because life has been quite busy and, when it's not, I'm just enoying the time with Izzy. Our days vary quite a bit from totally crazy with work, visiting family and friends, errands, loads and loads of laundry, etc. to the few days where I just get to spend my time playing and cuddling with Izzy. The one thing that I can count on almost every single day is our bedtime routine which I cherish. It goes something like this: I feed Izzy, then one of us changes her diaper and puts her in a clean sleeper and a swaddleme. Then, we read her a book and show her the pictures, pray with her, and sing a few hymns. I love that every day we have that 30 minutes where all three of us are spending quality time  together. I also love that we pray together as a family and that we pray for her health and salvation and our wisdom as parents on a daily basis, claiming the blessings that we have as a covenant family. Even on days that have been stressful or where one or more of us have not been feeling well, it's a precious time to slow down and enjoy this new family we have. It's quickly becoming something that I look forward to throughout the day!

I mentioned loads and loads of laundry...one of the biggest surprises for me after Izzy was born. I didn't realize how much laundry one (tiny) person can generate. Not only do I have to wash all of her clothes, burp cloths, sheets, etc. every few days but I also have to do more laundry for Nate and I because she's generous enough to share her spit up and other bodily fluids with us pretty regularly. We've also decided to do cloth diapering for the financial savings which means another load every 1-2 days. All of that means that I'm always switching the next load. Sometimes, it makes life seem a bit monotonous and mundane to be filling up most of my days with such tasks after working full time for several years. Our new assistant pastor, David Speakman, spoke to our small group last month about the Biblical view on work and rest. One of the things that I took away is that right now home is where I want to be and the best place for me. I love spending this precious time with Izzy while she's little and I wouldn't trade it for any career because there's nothing that I would rather be doing. My "work" aside from the three hours of office work I do from home a day, is taking care of my house and my family which means a lot of mundane tasks like laundry and dishes. Being boring and simple doesn't mean that they are unimportant however. For this time in my life, I'm serving God and my family in the mundane monotouny of house life and I'm thankful for the opportunity. Even though I generally despise all things domestic, this is the best job I've ever had!***


***Please note, this is NOT a commentary on my views of biblical gender roles or working moms. Every family needs to do what is right for them within a broad biblical framework of how the family is designed.

Train up a child

When you become a parent, you find yourself thinking and worrying about their salvation as much as you do their safety and health. As much as I want to keep my precious daughter safe in this life, I know that her safety in this life is completely pointless if her soul isn't secure in eternity. When I look at her, I feel desperate to ensure that she comes to know God. At our last Bible Study, we were discussing determinism v. free will in light of suffering, children's salvation and unanswered prayers. It is hard for me to look at my beautiful, helpless, vulnerable daughter and know that she was born in sin and that sin condemns her to hell. I know that in a year or two, that sinful, rebellious nature will begin to manifest itself in obvious ways but right now it's hard to believe. I believe very strongly that God is sovereign and that he elects us to salvation or to eternal damnation. I also believe that we are held personally responsible for our actions and our sin. The fact that God has already elected or not elected Isabelle is both comforting and terrifying. It is incredibly hard to know that no matter what I do, my daughter may never come to know God. It's also very comforting to know that no matter what I do, she may still come to know him in spite of me. On the other hand, I believe that how I raise my daughter will have a huge impact on her life and how she comes to know God or doesn't. I know that there are parents who raise their children to be godly, but their children reject the Lord. There are also parents who raise their children to hate God, but somehow their children come to know the Lord.

I have the amazing opportunity to be instrumental in Izzy's salvation and I don't want to miss that opportunity. While this instruction was directed at fathers, I think it applies to mothers as well: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4). I hope that Izzy receives blessings by having parents who are part of the covenant of salvation and the church. Unfortunately, we are also sinful people who act selfishly so often. I pray that we don't do irreversible damage to our child but I take heart in knowing that she is the Lord's and that he has promised to be faithful to his covenant.

Hannah said to the priest Eli, "As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." (1 Samuel 1:26). This verse resounds with me because we prayed for Izzy for a year before we conceived her and the Lord answered our prayer. It's hard to let go and just trust God with her, but she is so much better off in his hands.

Dear Father,

We are so very thankful that you have blessed us with this precious baby girl. We pray that you will choose her and bring about her salvation. Please give us wisdom and guidance to know how to raise her and how to teach her about you. Help us to create a home where she will always feel safe and loved. Help us to be godly examples for Izzy despite our sinful natures. Surround her with friends and family that can help her to grow into a godly woman who knows and loves you. Write her name on your hands and hold her close.

Amen.

mommy and daddy

The last nine days have been a whirlwind and feel more like three weeks. As exhausting as the sleepless nights have been, Izzy is well worth it. One of the strangest things has been adjusting our thinking to being parents. There's no more quick running an errand or making definite plans. I still find myself surprised to be a mother. It's not just something we're trying out for a few weeks. Being a mom will define and change me for the rest of my life. It's crazy to think of her growing up and becoming her own person. Right now she's so tiny and I just want to freeze time and keep her that way. But I also look forward to hearing her first word (mama of course), seeing her learn to walk and play, and all those other milestones. I know time is going to fly.

One of the best things this week has been seeing how easily and quickly Isabelle stole her daddy's heart. Before she arrived, Nate really wasn't sure how he'd feel. I mean, they pretty much sleep, poop, and eat for the first several weeks so it doesn't sound too exciting. He's also never been big on other people's kids. However, the first time he held Izzy you could tell he was taken. He's protective of her and does a great job at soothing her when she's fussy. He's even figured out the whole cloth diaper thing which is truly impressive. He's going to be a great dad :-)

Isabelle's Birthday

I could literally write pages and pages about the events, emotions, surprises, stresses, treasured moments, and blessings of this week. However, while I could write pages, I realize that not everyone is interested in reading that much so I'll try to spread it out over the next few weeks :-) Right now, I want to capture Isabelle's birth story before the details begin to fade.

As everyone who had the misfortune of seeing me in the last few weeks can attest, I was very very ready to have this baby. I had a feeling however that I was not going to have the normal first baby labor experience of having contractions that gradually increase in intensity and frequency until it's time to go to the hospital. Saturday I could tell Izzy had dropped and I started expecting my water to break even though it's rare. Monday night the contractions kept me up until almost 4am when they finally came to a stop. As I headed for a restroom break before going to bed at 4:20am, I felt my water break. I was excited that it was finally time and that I had a definitive indicator to head to the hospital since I had been nervous that I would go too early/late. I walked in to wake Nate up and his response was to say "no, no, it didn't" and try to go back to sleep. A few minutes later he was still confused about what was going on, but got up and started getting ready. We both grabbed showers, packed the last few items, got a hold of my mom and sister, and headed out the door for the last time as a family of two.

We didn't get checked in at the hospital until 5:09am. At that point I was at 3cm and having irregular contractions. The next three checks showed me at 4cm and my contractions weren't getting regular so they started pushing pitosin around 1pm. I had my epidural at 9am. Izzy's heartbeat would drop too low during contractions so they kept having to reduce the pitosin. They also made me flip sides every 30-45 minutes which required the help of 2-3 people since I was completely numb and immobile from the waist down. This did provide some entertainment when I got testy with Nathan for moving the wrong leg and leaving my left leg bent way behind me....the entertaining part was that he was in fact moving the correct leg and it was actually completely straight and exactly where I was asking him to move it. I was so numbed that I was having some kind of phantom leg experience.

We were all starting to worry that they might have to do a c-section since my contractions were so ineffective and they couldn't push more pitosin because her heartbeat was so unstable and they believed she had wrapped the cord around her. Manda was planning to stay for the whole labor but my mom and grandparents were trying to decide what to do since by 10pm I was still only at 5 cm. Right after they checked me, I started to get intense back labor pains and the abdominal pain was breaking through the epidural. Anesthesia offered an extra dose of concentrated epidural. I was concerned about not being able to feel enough to push but they said the numbness would start wearing off in 45 minutes so I figured that was plenty of time.... they decided to check me again because the pain was still around an 8 or 9 with the extra medicine. 20 minutes after I had been barely 5cm dialated, I was now at ten and ready to push. 18 hours for the first 5cm and 20 minutes for the second 5 explained why the pain had been so bad. Fortunately, my grandparents and Ryan were still there since they had been about ready to leave. Mom, Manda, and Nate had been figuring out who got the comfier couch so they all got up and into action. I had to wait a good 40 minutes for enough nurses to be available to start pushing but the pressure wasn't too bad and the contractions had let up so it wasn't too bad. Pushing was a bit difficult because I was so numb, but it wore off some and an hour later they called the doctor in. I was surprised when they said the head was already out and that I could relax while they got the rest of her out. I only glimpsed her for a minute but everyone else could see that she had the cord wrapped around both her neck and body. It was a huge relief to hear her first screams and see her skin start pinking up. Nate cut the cord while they laid her on my chest. I was absolutely overwhelmed with relief that she was out and safe and healthy. After that, they fixed me up and I got to feed her for the first time before the rest of my family came in to see her.

I've never understood why people are so enthralled with what is a gruesome, painful, and dirty process. I can see now though how absolutely amazing it is to see the life, that until now had been only images on a screen and movements in a belly, coming out into the world as a beautiful, unique person. It's truly incredible. Throughout the labor and birth, we had a lot of friends and family praying for us. It meant so much, especially when Izzy was having a low heartbeat and later as I tried to gather the strength to push after so many hours of labor.

Isabelle Marie was born at 1:05am on June 20, 2012, weighing 5lb. 13oz. and measuring 19" tall.

And that's it for today...

The Waiting Game

Izzy has been full-term for almost two weeks now, meaning that while my due date is still a little over a week away, she's safe to come any day now. I would always prefer today. I've discovered that I go through the five stages of grief on a daily basis-denial that I'm still pregnant, anger/annoyance at the level of discomfort and pain, bargaining or begging God to make today I meet my little girl, depression that he said no, and finally acceptance. While this may seem a bit melodramatic, it's pretty much the truth. I have a long list of things that I would love to have done before she comes but most days I'm not feeling up to making much of a dent in the list. The result is that having more time before she comes does not really mean being more prepared. But I'm trying to remember that she must need these extra days/weeks to be fully prepared for life in the real world. I will be quite happy to hold her in my arms instead of in my belly though!

One of the things that has gotten more difficult is trying to make dinner every day. So I decided to try something different this week. Sunday, Nate and I went grocery shopping. Then we came home and spent about 3-4 hours chopping veggies and meat, making pasta, and packaging everything for the freezer so that we had eight dinners ready to go. I've been quite pleased with the results and with how much easier it is during the week because they only take 15-20 minutes to make and clean-up is minimal. I made three different recipes and split them into smaller portions. Two of them I got from http://www.ringaroundtherosies.net and made a few modifications to: teriyaki crock pot chicken and beef tips for grilling. The night before I just pull it out of the freezer and stick it in the fridge. The beef tips might need a few hours on the counter to fully thaw. The lasagna can be cooked frozen but requires 90 minutes.

Next week I plan to try pot roast, hawaiian chicken and veggies for the grill, slow cooker fajitas and pepperoni pasta bake. Yummy!
         '
Beef Tips for Grilling
4lb round steak, sliced against the grain
4 cups mushrooms, sliced (I didn't do this)
2 red bell peppers
4 minced garlic cloves
2 green bell peppers
1 large white onion
1 zucchini (I added)
1/4 cup of worcestershire
salt/pepper to taste

Split everything  into two containers (I made it into three and it was enough food for Nate and I with some garlic bread). shake it up, seal, label and put in the freezer. Instructions for Container: Add sliced mushrooms (optional) and Grill in a basket ‘til veggies are crisp and meat is done to your liking (about 15-20 minutes)
Serve over hot buttery rice or with bread or grilled corn.


Teriyaki Crock Pot Chicken
Medium – Large bag of carrots
White Onion into Large Chunks
2 large cans pineapple (undrained) (I recommend only using the juice from the second can)
4 Garlic Cloves
4 Chicken Breasts
1/2 cup teriyaki sauce
1/2 cup soy sauce
Follow directions above, and split everything into two gallon freezer bags (definitely enough food for three meals for two people). shake it up, seal, label and put in the freezer. Instructions for Bag: Add 1/4 cup teriyaki and soy sauce (1/8 each) to crock pot, Cook on low 8 hours or high 4 hours (this was a bit long for high). Serve over hot rice.

Spinach Lasagna
1 box lasagna noodles, cooked and cooled
2 jars favorite spaghetti sauce, add a little water or plain tomato sauce to make it go farther
1 tub ricotta cheese (the small size)
1 bag mozarella cheese shredded (3 cups)
Oregano, Basil, Parsley, Salt to taste
Spinach (1 bag of fresh, boiled or sauteed OR 1 can)
Foil tins (I used four of the mini bread loaf ones which are perfect for dinner for two)

Combine cheeses with spinach and herbs, leaving a little mozzarella for topping.  Layer sauce, noodles, cheese mixture until you fill up the pan. top with sauce and a little mozzarella. Cover with foil and write on top to bake at 425 for 45-60 minutes OR 90 minutes if frozen. Freeze. Serve alone or with salad or garlic bread.

Labor Scare, Baby Shower, and 25

The last few weeks have been…challenging. I've had two unscheduled doctors visits and one trip to the hospital. The good news is that Izzy is doing well and doesn't seem to be bothered by any of it. The bad news is that I'm in so much pain that I can hardly walk most of the time and the doctors can't do anything about it. My feet are also pretty much permanently swollen at this point. I couldn't believe it when they told me last Friday that, if I was in labor, they wouldn't try to stop it. My assumption was that they always try to stop pre-term labor, but apparently they don't once you're at 33-34 weeks because the risks are pretty low. I was pretty much freaking out because I felt totally unprepared. I'm a planner and I had yet to pack a hospital bag, make my "hospital plan," or buy the last few must have items. So I was quite relieved that I wasn't in labor. This led to me getting my hospital bag and least partially packed, phone call list made up, and those must have items purchased over the weekend. Part of me is so uncomfortable at this point that I'm ready for her to come, but I'm trying to remember that it's best for her to stay in at least until 37 weeks. I can't say I'd be too upset if she decided to come right around May 25th though!

Okay, I'll stop complaining now. The last few weeks have also had some fun times. We had our first baby shower! Our small group from church threw it for us and it was a blast. The girls did the girly stuff for the first hour and a half (gifts, yummy food, and a baby questionnaire that I'm quite sure I had the lowest score on). They did a great job decorating with pink peonies, cute baby items and pictures, and beautiful pink desserts (the cupcakes tasted as good as they looked, Ginny!). We were very blessed to get our last "big item" as well as a bunch of other cute baby items and my very own cleaning caddy (thanks to Lauren Beam). After our girl time, we joined the boys who grilled out for us and enjoyed hanging out for several hours. It's been amazing to us how this group has so quickly welcomed us in and supported us and celebrated with us. We have been incredibly blessed!

For my birthday, Amanda offered to clean our apartment from top to bottom. Since I can't do most of the cleaning anymore and Nathan has a ton on his plate with work and his tablet business, this was the perfect gift. As much as I hate cleaning, having a dirty apartment is a huge stressor for both of us so it's been difficult the last few weeks. Manda came over last week and cleaned the whole place so now we can enjoy a few stress-free, clean weeks! She also stayed for dinner which was fun since she's so busy that we don't hang out very often.

Thursday was my birthday and it started a bit cruddy but improved throughout the day. Nate got me a gift certificate for a prenatal massage and I was actually able to get in the same day. It was amazing and exactly what I needed! My lovely friend Heather treated me to dessert at a local dessertery and then we went to a few baby clothes shops. Nate and I ended the evening with a delicious dinner at Olive Garden. All in all, it turned out to be quite enjoyable! Hard to believe I'm 25 and on my way to 30!

The boring details of a busy few weeks

Well, I am definitely in the third trimester. The last week or two have been really busy since my nesting urge has been in full force. Living in a small two bedroom apartment with a sun room for Nate's office and the complication of having a cat (with a litter box that has to go somewhere) makes it interesting to plan for a baby. So I started with cleaning out the two bedroom closets and the laundry closet to make as much room for storing and rearranging/relocating stuff as possible. The nursery had also been home to a very large table full of my paint supplies and other items which have seen been organized and relocated to my rather small desk. My parents generously provided two shelves so that we could actually get Nate's office organized. The biggest project was the large, torn-up yard sale dresser that my parents gave us for Nate since I monopolize our dresser. It's in the nursery because it was too ugly and to go with our pretty bedroom furniture. But of course I didn't want to have all my cute nursery stuff and then a torn up old dresser. So with the help of my dad (meaning he did most of the work), we redid it last weekend.

Here are the before pictures.

The top had this really thin piece of decorative fake wood that had gotten all torn up.
Because it was fake wood, the only option was to remove it and HOPE that what was underneath was usable. After much deliberation, we went ahead and ripped it off...slowly and mostly tiny piece by tiny piece. Then we had to sand it down, but fortunately there was usable wood underneath. Dad, with a little help from me, then put on two coats of primer and three coats of the green paint we went with.

Here's the final product: 

 




















Just a small improvement!!!

After that was done and my art supplies put away, I put together the swing/rocker, my super comfy glider, and a 6-cube shelving unit. I'm also making the crib skirt to go with the cute curtains my mom made so I painstakingly cut out all of the quilt squares for it and pinned them together. Now I just have to sew it... I also pre-washed all the diapers (what a pain!), registered for CPR class and the hospital tour, and called a pediatrician for an interview. I still have a ton left on my "Izzy list," but I feel like I'm making progress and at least have a nursery rather than a storage unit now! Can't wait to get it all done and post pictures! I also put the final touches on my baby registry and I'm determined not to look at it again, at least until after the first shower! (Since people have been asking, we're registered at Target with some stuff available online only but most of it in stores).

Unfortunately, one of the negatives of nesting is that I have little interest or energy left over for other things...like my Corp. Finance course or cooking. The little energy I have has mostly gone into painting. I finally finished two paintings for my mom that have been mostly done for months and I started a really big city scene that I'm excited about. So I'll have to try to strike a bit of a balance. May is going to be crazy with two baby showers, two mommy classes, the hospital tour, birthdays and Mother's day, doctor appointments, finishing the last few weeks of my class, and trying to finish the nursery but most of it should at least be fun!

I got the good news that I most likely have a part-time office job. I'll go in this week to see what the job entails and meet the boss but it sounds like just what I need so we're very thankful for that!

Nate has also been staying super busy between his normal full time job which has a lot going on right now, working hard to try to get this tablet deal, helping me around the house, and trying to deal with my third-trimester mood swings. My prayer is that by the time June comes, we'll have a lot of this stuff out of the way and have a week or two to catch up on sleep before Izzy makes an appearance.

A letter to Isabelle Marie

Dear Izzy,

Well, we've finally decided on a name eight weeks after finding out that you're a girl. Isabelle means "God's promise" and your middle name is your Grandmama's middle name.  Preparations for your arrival are in full swing at this point and it's becoming obvious that you are growing away in mommy's belly. The closer it gets to your arrival, the more real it becomes that you are about to change our lives forever. We worry about having everything we'll need and knowing how to take care of you, but mostly we worry about making sure that you always know how much you are loved and prayed for.

We wonder what you'll look like (Daddy hopes you'll have Mommy's eyes and my nose :-) ) and what kind of personality you'll have. Sadly, it seems unlikely that you'll be able to escape some nerdiness with us for parents but hopefully it'll serve you well. Mommy wonders if you'll be a type A oldest child like she was (and is) or if some of your dad's laid back approach to life will rub off on you.  Will you be outspoken like Mommy or have your daddy's easy way with people? And what parts of your personality will be wholly and originally you?

We talk about what kind of woman we hope you'll grow up to be. Strong but gentle, warm-hearted, smart and capable, discerning and slow-to-anger, confident but humble. Already we think about how you'll interact with other kids, how you'll overcome the difficulties of being a teenager, praying that you'll draw your confidence in who you are from your Heavenly Father and the fact that you are made in his image. We pray that God will bring you a loving husband who can lead you, provide for you, and protect you. Someone that can make you laugh and who loves you for who you are.

There are three more months 'til we get to meet you face to face, but we want you to know that you have been hoped and prayed for and loved since before you even existed. We can't wait to hold you in our arms!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Eternity written on our hearts

"He has put eternity into man's heart…." Ecclesiastes 3:11

A few weeks ago, Nate was reading through Matthew 6 before bed and we were discussing it. The chapter is a bit confusing because it seems to link all of the various sections together as though they are part of one continuing thought. There are some obvious themes such as hypocrisy, worrying, praying, etc. We were trying to figure out how they all worked together though. The one unifying theme that we could find was eternity. In the first three sections on giving to the needy, prayer, and fasting, the focus seems to be on hypocrisy. I think however that the real theme is about our focus---whether it is eternal or in the moment. Are we interested in earning a small, fleeting reward now or a greater treasure in eternity?  He sums all this up in the Treasures in Heaven section.

Then you've got this whole section about not worrying. This one is pretty convicting. He doesn't chastise us for worrying about trivial things like social status, bad haircuts, designer purses, etc. That would be perfectly reasonable. No, God actually commands us not to worry about the basics: what we eat and drink and what we wear. That's a lot harder. I can easily justify worrying about whether we'll have food on the table, be able to pay the bills, afford our rent, etc. After all, these are the essentials of survival. How can God ask me not to worry about them? He has a point though---by worrying can you add a single hour to your life? Is there any benefit in worrying? In planning and being wise and working hard, absolutely. In worrying? Not at all. Then, God ties it back into eternity. The pagans worry about the concerns of this life, but we have a God who already knows that we need them and is perfectly capable of providing without our worries. Our focus shouldn't be on this momentary existence but on eternal things-his kingdom and his righteousness. The best part is that he promises that if we seek these things, the others will be provided as well.

This has been on my mind for weeks now because I've spent more time worrying since I got pregnant than pretty much anything else. I've worried about miscarrying, birth defects, what I eat, what I don't eat, remembering to take my daily vitamin, taking too many meds, everything we have to buy, everything I have to get done, what kind of job I'll be able to handle and keep up with an infant, whether she'll hate the name we choose, etc. etc. etc. And those are just the immediate concerns. What about all of the millions of parenting decisions we'll have to make? It's been a daily struggle to remember that God is really in control of it all and that he's given us such a blessing already. It's easy to forget that I spent 12 months worrying that I wouldn't ever be able to have a baby and yet God answered that prayer and my worrying didn't help anything. The point? My time and energy is far better spent on the eternal and on having faith in an all-powerful God rather than worrying about what I cannot help.

No more "It"

One of my least favorite parts of pregnancy (other than daily vomiting and hating all my favorite foods) has been calling the baby "it." I've tried to avoid it as much as possible by saying "the baby" or "Baby Beam" or "he or she" but that can get awkward. So yesterday was the long awaited day when we could finally find out which pronoun to use! I was incredibly nervous about the ultrasound since it's been 13 weeks since we've seen the baby. I had worries about missing limbs or malfunctioning organs and every other thing that could go wrong.

The tech started by taking pictures of the spine, heart, kidneys, limbs, etc., all of which were perfect! It took a while before she got the shot she needed to determine gender but fortunately it was a clear picture, leaving no doubt that we are having a.....

GIRL!!!

Needless to say, I had a few tears of joy at having all my worries of horrible birth defects relieved and at finding out that we had indeed gotten our wish for a baby girl. SHE still does not have a name as we are totally torn between two. Hopefully we'll be able to make that decision soon! For now, I'm excited about buying some adorable little girl outfits and bows and all of that fun stuff!

She kept putting her arm up to fend us off. She didn't like all the prodding.

Kind of strange how much of the bones this thing picks up...kind of looks like an alien face!

Five a.m. rambling thoughts...

This week has been a bit rough between pregnancy headaches and the sudden return of my morning sickness. I've pretty much just been hanging out. I did however, manage to read all three Hunger Games books in three days…. I was initially uninterested when I read the sleeve on the first one, but finally gave in to the unanimous endorsement of…well, everyone. And I have to agree, these are a great read! They are well written and keep you pulled in all the way through. The characters are well developed and realistically flawed. The books are a great blend of politics, enough futuristic technology to intrigue any sci-fi nerd, romance, and action. They had far more depth than I originally anticipated from the "teenage gladiator games" description I had read. If anybody has a Nook and wants to borrow them, let me know!

I ended up sleeping away most of Saturday because of my nausea meds…unfortunately, this meant that I was wide awake from midnight to 5am Saturday night. Annoying. Nathan was up for a while because he's a late nighter. We browsed through our baby name book again. I'm not supposed to have an ultrasound for another four weeks but I've been freaking out about some things so I'm going to request it at my 17 week appt. Tuesday….which means we could find out the gender in just two days!! I feel like once we know, we'll want to decide on a name right away. So that was fun. We definitely have some favorites but nothing we're totally set on yet. After expecting to have to wait til February, I can't believe we might know this week! And I have absolutely no idea… for the first part of the pregnancy, I totally thought of the baby as a girl but I think my mom's finally brainwashed me into expecting a boy. The good part of that is that I'm a little more adjusted and a little less terrified by the idea of raising a boy. It's not that I don't want one eventually, I just feel like I know what I'm doing with a girl. I can handle dress-up, playing house, even the whole teenage girl thing…after all I grew up in a house of estrogen. But boys? Messy, adventurous, "boys will be boys" boys? I'm clueless.

Then we got talking about church (at three in the morning)…

Moving and visiting churches has made us re-examine what we're looking for in a church. I feel like everyone has their "pet purpose." Church obviously serves multiple purposes, but everybody usually has one that is most important to them when they are searching. One of our friends is super relational (and theological) and the most important thing to him in a church and a pastor is the ability to build relationships and have community. I get that because true community is hard to find and oh so important. We're definitely not meant to do this life alone and I believe the local church should be our primary support group--other than family. Having people that aren't afraid to be real and struggle together is invaluable.

We had a challenging discussion recently with another couple who really want to find a church that is service oriented. We're clearly instructed to take care of the poor and the needy but a lot of churches assume this means supporting missions (part of the picture) and maybe having a deacon's fund for families in the church. This couple wants to do more, specifically getting involved with community outreach in a real way. And not just as a way to guilt people into giving you five minutes to rattle off the Romans Road of the gospel, but because the service itself is the gospel at work. It definitely pushed us to look at not just finding a church where we can learn and fellowship, but where we can serve as well or that is at least open to our ideas on serving.

For me, and I think for Nate, we're naturally drawn to churches with gifted teachers where we can learn. Especially at this point, where we are still trying to work out some of the major points of our theology and need some strong guidance. We've been really blessed in Huntington and in Lynchburg to have pastors who were gifted teachers and invested time in helping us work through some of this stuff. It was an added blessing to have community with our RUF pastor, Jason, and fellow RUFers in Huntington but not the reason we chose the church. Corporate worship is also one of the other functions of the church and this has been strong in both of our last two PCA churches. The administration of the sacraments is also one of the church's purposes and one that's important to us to be done right. While practice may vary on some of the finer points (Welch's v. Merlot, singing, liturgy, etc.), there are some things that shouldn't vary such as an attitude of reverence, a clear explanation of the sacrament, and a barring of the table.

The hard part is figuring out what's most important (and not just personal preference), what's Biblical, what can be compromised or found elsewhere, etc. For instance, is it necessary that solid teaching occur in a Sunday morning service or is one-on-one counseling sufficient? How much do the finer points of the Lord's supper reflect a matter of the heart and how much are they just personal preference? Do you have to have community with the whole body or just your community group? How involved should the church be in witnessing to and serving the community? What does that actually look like today? How important is it that the service reflect time and forethought in its selection of songs and liturgy? Should that really impact the worship?

Unfortunately we don't have a lot of answers. We have a lot of personal preferences. We know what we like and what we're comfortable with. But that's not the same as knowing for sure what's Biblical or what's simply a matter of preference in practice. Some things are obviously unbiblical, but those are usually easy to identify and avoid.  Needless to say, the culmination of our discussion was that we need to do some investigating, both of what's biblical and meeting with the leadership of the church we're attending to see what they really think on all of this stuff beyond what is apparent on Sunday mornings. Since we're here for the long haul though, we definitely need to do the work to figure all --well, at least a lot---of this stuff out before seeking membership. We also have six months to make a final decision on where we stand on infant baptism and get comfortable enough to explain that stance either way.

Miracle and Must Eats

So I wrote these when I knew that I wanted to create a blog but hadn't actually done it yet.

November 21, 2011 (10 weeks pregnant)

Miracle. This is the word that I've often heard used by mothers to describe pregnancy and childbirth. I never quite understood exactly what they meant and thought that perhaps they were exaggerating the experience. My skepticism didn't stop me from wanting to find out though. When we were going through fertility testing and finding out what difficulties we faced, people were  often quick to tell us that we could just adopt. While I understand that they meant well and that adoption is very special in its own way, my heart was set on getting to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and all that goes with it. After eleven disappointing months, I finally got a positive test! Then a negative…then another positive…then another negative…and a third positive. We found out later that I was a week ahead of where I thought I was which meant my HCG levels were so low that it was easy to get negatives. I had taken the test so early because I was experiencing extreme exhaustion and figured that I was either pregnant or having a mono recurrence. Obviously, it was the former.

It's amazing to me that my body experienced such changes so quickly, literally within a day or two after conception. At that point, the baby was only a tiny embryo but it set off a chain reaction immediately. Within two weeks, I was experiencing a full range of pregnancy symptoms from the continuing exhaustion to all day morning sickness, food aversions, an increased sense of smell which goes poorly with the nausea, abdominal cramps, and even odd ones like recurring hiccups.  Despite all the obvious signs of the baby, I doubted I was really pregnant. I've heard of women causing pregnancy symptoms because they want to be pregnant so badly and was afraid I could have done that. I was also terrified that every cramp was a sign of impending miscarriage. I was so anxious by my first doctor's visit that I asked for an ultrasound. Thankfully, the ultrasound showed one baby in the uterus right where it's supposed to be. And we got to hear and SEE the heart beating! It was awesome. At that point (six weeks, 5 days), the baby was so small it was literally just a small blob but we could still see the heart pumping away. Needless to say it was amazing! I had proof that I was indeed pregnant rather than crazy. :-)

Everyday it is incredible to me that such a vulnerable and small thing could actually survive inside of me and thrive and grow. It is truly a miracle that there is something LIVING inside my body. I can't feel it moving yet but I know it is. I can't wait until I feel the first flutters of this miracle that is sucking away all of my energy and waking me in the middle of the night to run to the bathroom. I thought my friend Rachel was being a bit harsh when she referred to her darling Hope as a "parasite" but it seems appropriate now. Despite the physical discomforts of the first trimester, pregnancy is truly a miracle. Knowing that a precious little baby that I will hold in my arms in seven months is being literally knit together in my womb is almost beyond my comprehension.

I still get anxious with every new pain and odd feeling. I have to remind myself daily that God blessed us with a baby at the most unlikely time when I had almost given up hope of natural conception. I should have more faith that if he has blessed us with an unlikely pregnancy, there is no reason not to believe that he can also cause this one inch miracle to grow into a healthy, full-grown baby. I'm finally getting to the point where I can plan ahead and start thinking about things like birthing plans, nursery designs, names, and whether this precious child will turn out to be as much of a nerd as his/her parents.

At ten weeks and 4 days, I have a little over a week left in the most dangerous period and three weeks left in my first trimester. I can't wait to wake up without nausea and enjoy my favorite foods again, but for now I'll accept these unpleasant symptoms as a sign that our baby is happily growing away!

December 2, 2011 (12 weeks pregnant)

When the most exciting parts of your diet for several weeks are CapriSuns and ginger snaps, you start to fantasize about some of your favorite foods…or even the foods that you normally just tolerate. The diet this last week has been particularly monotonous so I decided to make a list of foods that sound good. Hopefully by the second trimester, they will taste as good as they sound.

• Pepperoni pizza…from Mario's and Papa John's
• Sweet tea...I greatly miss this southern, sugary delight
• Spinach Lasagna
• Red Lobster's biscuits and chicken alfredo
• Grilled cheese with pepper jack
• Pinwheels
• Salads
• Mac & Cheese
• Asparagus, corn and carrots
• Fries
• Southwestern egg rolls
• Spinach and artichoke dip
• Peanut butter
• Brie pastry with raspberry jam
• Chicken chili
• Qdoba
• Saltines with cream cheese and red pepper jelly

January 3, 2012 (Today)
I was very helpful that my fourteenth week of pregnancy would bring a magical end to the morning sickness. No such luck. The worst is over but I still have good days and bad days. And it can sneak up totally unexpected. Acupuncture helps but it's expensive. The best I can do right now is try to keep something on my stomach and avoid greasy foods. Hopefully only a few more weeks of this! As an update to the Must Eats...unfortunately most of these foods are still on my bad list. I did manage to make and eat chicken chili and hope to make stuffed shells/lasagna this week. I can eat pizza but no pepperoni. Salads and peanut butter are mostly okay and mac and cheese is back on my favorites list. I'm making a concerted effort to eat healthier and get in lots of fruits and veggies but a few things are working against me. For one, it's winter and there aren't a lot of great fruits out there. Secondly, half of them still nauseate me. I'm also totally paranoid that they've gone bad like the day after I buy them for some reason. Oranges and tangerines, never a pre-pregnancy favorite, have become a daily staple and canned pears aren't too bad. I could live on grape juice.