All I Owe

Our church just had a launch party for our new building and got Indelible Grace to do a concert for it. If you're not familiar with them, they're a great group that puts new music to old hymns. They sang one song that I hadn't heard before that really stuck out to me:

All I Owe

Verse 1:
When this passing world is done
When has sunk yon glaring sun,
When we stand with Christ in glory
Looking o'er life's finished story
Then, Lord, shall I fully know
Not till then, how much I owe

Chorus:
All I owe You paid for me
From all I owe I've been set free
And all I owe proves Your great mercy to me

Verse 2:
When I stand before Your throne
Dressed in beauty not my own
When I see You as You are
Love You with unsinning heart
Then Lord, shall I fully know
Not till then, how much I owe

Bridge:
Chosen not for good in me
Wakened up from wrath to flee
Hidden in the Savior's side
By the Spirit sanctified
Teach me, Lord on earth to show
By my love, how much I owe

Words by Robert M. McCheyne and Matthew S. Smith. Music by Matthew S. Smith.
(c) 2003 Detuned Radio Music (ASCAP)

Money has been on our minds a good bit lately. We have a lot of debt and sometimes it feels like we are being crushed under a mountain of financial responsibilities. The wording in this song "all I owe" brought to mind our debt and I realized that what we owe financially here on earth is miniscule compared to what we, in our sin, owe God. We could never repay it. That mountain of debt crushes all life from us and we cannot make the smallest dent in it. Yet God says that through Christ's death and resurrection, our debt is completely wiped away. Sometimes I like to make that a smaller thing than it is. Like God opened an excel spreadsheet of my net worth and just cleared out a few cells that were red and put me in the black. But in reality, my debt to God is like sinking sand, and I can only sink farther and farther with the certain promise of death. That's what Christ died for and rescued me out of.

A ridiculously long post about cloth diapering

For anyone who hasn't used cloth diapers, you may find the idea a bit gross or complicated. I was worried about this and Nate considerably more so. We've both found it surprisingly bearable however. I even find that Izzy's cloth diapers tend to hold in the smell of a dirty/wet diaper better than a disposable does. With the better diapers, you also don't have those explosions out the diaper and up the back and down the legs that you'll often get with disposables. You do have to be prepared to wash them every 1-2 days depending on how many you buy.

So, when I reached out for advice on which cloth diapers to use, the only consistent recommendation I got was to try a little bit of everything before investing in a lot of any one type. And that's what I did. Four months and eleven diapers later, I've got a pretty good idea of what works for Izzy and me so I thought I'd share. I will preface this by saying that Izzy is a very thin baby and not all diapers work for all babies.

Newborn:

If I was going to go back and do it all over again, I probably wouldn't use cloth until my baby fit into a one size diaper simply because it's not that cost effective and I'm using cloth for the savings rather than green benefits. Most one size diapers start at 8lb. though they really start fitting well closer to 10lb. On the flip side, the newborn diapers only get used for such a short time so they will probably make it through 3-4 kids, adding to the savings. It also gives you a chance to figure out what you like.

I'm going to start with my favorite, Kissaluvs fleece fitted diapers (around $13). The fleece is soft and stays feeling dry even when it's pretty soaked which is my favorite feature. The diapers fit well and never leak. Their trimmer than most prefolds, although thicker than some other fitted options. They work for 5-15lb. and so far that's been true for Izzy. They fit well even when she was only 6lb. and she's still on a small setting at 11.5lb.

I tried both the snap and the velcro versions of the Thirsties Duo Wrap cover ($13) in size 1 and prefer the velcro because on the tightest setting it lays flat. This is a great cover and well worth the money. It comes in cute designs and I've never had a leak.

I decided to try a cheap fitted diaper as a prefold alternative and went with the Green Mountain Workhorse which is only $5 for the newborn size. It works for 5-10lb. As a prefold alternative, this is a great diaper. It has similar absorbency but holds everything in better than a prefold. However, it feels wet even when it's not that wet and has to be changed more often than the kissaluvs and did leak on occasion. Still not bad if you need something really cheap.

I also tried two prefolds, the Dandelion Unbleached ($2.65) and Indian Prefolds ($1.50). I hated the Dandelion because they are so thin that they don't hold much, were too small, and the sides are so thin I was worried about using Snappis. I will say though that a lot of people love them so maybe I was doing something wrong. The Indians were way better and worked well when she was really tiny but started leaking when she got a bit bigger so I went through covers so much that it wasn't very cost effective. They do make great burp cloths though if you decide you don't like them! I have a lot of friends who love their prefolds and don't have as many leaks, so maybe it depends on the baby!

I also tried some AIOs because I wanted something a bit easier, especially for babysitters and when we're out and about. I tried the GroVia Newborn AIO which is great as far as being trim and easy to use but I had constant leaks. I think this is because Izzy's legs are so thin and that it would be an awesome diaper for a chubby baby. We also tried the BumGenius Newborn XS diaper which has a smaller size range but leaked almost every time I used it despite fitting pretty well.

I also tried the Thirsties Duo AIO which is a pretty good diaper. It's fairly trim but absorbent, feels dry, is easy to use, and comes in velcro or snaps. Thirsties is a two size system, 6-18 and 16-35 and seems to run fairly true. I did think it was a bit bulky when she was really small but is pretty trim now. I have had a few leaks from it and you have to be careful that the attached soaker is tucked inside all the edges. I would only buy this if I was going to do both sizes because of the cost-you want to use it all the way through both sizes.

One-Size:

If you're going to use fitteds with covers, there's not really much of a cost savings in comparison with AIOs or pocket diapers because you need one cover for about every 3-4 diapers and the fitteds aren't cheap. I still prefer a fitted with cover for a newborn just because it worked better than the newborn AIOs, but for the long haul I wanted something a bit easier.

After everything I tried, I went with FuzziBunz One Size Elite Diapers ($18-20). This is a pocket diaper which is a little bit of a pain because it has to be stuffed, but is still easier than using a cover, especially when you're in a hurry. They're trim and have adjustable elastic that makes them fit well on any type of baby. They're absorbent and stay feeling pretty dry. They're easy to put on and and I've never had a leak. They advertise themselves as a 3-year diaper though they only have a 1-year warrantee so we'll have to see on that point. You can shake the insert out of the pocket without having to touch the dirty part of the diaper so that's definitely a plus. The inserts do take quite a while to dry though.

I love the BumGenius Freetime diaper ($18-20) as a nighttime diaper because it has two attached soakers that hold a lot and stay feeling dry. I've never had a leak so I trust them for 8-12 hours. The reason I won't use them as a daytime diaper is that they are super bulky, and are way too wide between the legs to fit well under clothing. They also dry super fast which is nice when you're behind on laundry!

Despite my poor experience with the GroVia Newborn, I tried the AIO Organic One-size ($20-24) because the leg gussets are designed differently. While they still didn't hug Izzy's legs, I've never had a leak even when using them overnight and they were a close second runner to the FuzziBunz. They're fairly trim, super easy to use, and hold a lot. The only real downside is that they're not quite as obvious to use as the Fuzzibunz so babysitters may be a bit confused and they're not quite as trim.

I also tried the Flip diaper with the Stay-Dry soaker (4-6/$50) just because it's about half the price if you're getting 2-3 uses out of the cover. I can definitely see this being a good option on an older baby but it was very bulky because Cotton Babies diapers run wide between the legs. I can definitely see the cover lasting through 2-3 inserts though I don't think it would make the best nighttime diaper. If you're looking for a cheap way to diaper an older baby, it's definitely a good option.

Other Cloth Diapering Stuff:

I use the Planet Wise Wet bags and have one large one and two mediums. The large I keep in the nursery, one of the mediums in my diaper bag, and the other medium as a backup for when I'm washing one of them. You can also do a trash can with disposable liners which probably protects against odor better but is also a recurring cost which I'm trying to avoid.

I've been using Nellie's detergent and haven't had any problems with it. I recommend doing a cold rinse, hot wash, and then another cold rinse to make sure you have all the detergent completely out. If you don't do the extra rinse, the detergent can build up and react to the ammonio in urine, causing a bad odor. I just got some EcoNuts and am excited about trying them because they're super cheap and have great reviews. I use Nellie's for all my laundry and plan on doing the same with EcoNuts. You may have to play around with how much detergent to use to get the diapers clean without causing buildup since it can vary based on how hard your water is. No matter how many diapers you have, you have to wash every other day because you can't leave them dirty longer than that.

I just started using cloth wipes and it's definitely not as bad as I expected. I only use them at home because it's just too much hassle when I'm out. I use water with a drop of baby body wash in a plastic container that I leave in my wipe warmer. I have 24 wipes and I only use them once then wash them to cut down on the gross factor. I got bumGenius wipes ($12/12) but I'm guessing there probably are not huge differences between brands.

Liners/Diaper Sprayers: With breastfed newborns, they don't really have solid poop so you don't have to worry about getting it off the diapers. I just throw them in the bag as is. I have tried bioliners which work quite well but are really unnecessary at this age. You'd need about 1-2 packs/mo and it'll run you anywhere from $12-24 depending on the brand. I might use them again when she's eating solids but right now that's a lot of cost. The better option for removing solids is a diaper spray (around $40) which attaches to the toilet. I haven't tried it but I've talked to a few people who swear by them and it's probably the route we'll go later on. Fuzzibunz has good reviews on theirs.

How many to buy: Newborns go through more diapers, usually around 12/day so I recommend having at least 18 (washing every day) and up to 30 (washing every other day). Once they get to about three months, they only use around 7-9 diapers/day so you'll need anywhere from 12-24 depending on how often you want to wash.

Where to buy: There are tons and tons of website that sell diaper products from WAHM sites to the big names like Amazon and Diapers.com. While I love to support the WAHMs, I've generally found the bigger sites to have better prices, especially on shipping, though there are exceptions. JackBeNatural does free shipping on most orders and has great customer service. The Baby Grocery Store has great customer service and they have a physical location! If you live near Charlotte, I highly recommend it as a way to go and actually see and feel the diapers before investing. He'll also negotiate prices a bit if you'll buy bulk. I do buy most of mine from Amazon because they sell pretty much everything and only once or twice have I found a better price elsewhere. Purchases over $50 get free shipping so I just make sure to order enough. You can run a google search on specific diapers if you want to price shop. You can also buy used off of Craigs list or even Facebook sites like JackBeNatural JackRestash. Also checkout http://paddedtushstats.com/ for info on laundry detergents, diaper reviews, washing tips, etc.

As mentioned before, I'm cloth diapering because of the cost savings, though I do like the idea of natural cloth on Izzy's sensitive skin rather than chemicals. However, there's a limit to how much hassle I'm willing to go through to save a few bucks so when we travel, I do use disposables (gasp!) and I think it's definitely the way to go! If I'm on vacation or doing a lot of running about visiting people, the last thing I want to worry about is washing diapers!

Bedtime prayers and the mundane

It's been a while since my last post because life has been quite busy and, when it's not, I'm just enoying the time with Izzy. Our days vary quite a bit from totally crazy with work, visiting family and friends, errands, loads and loads of laundry, etc. to the few days where I just get to spend my time playing and cuddling with Izzy. The one thing that I can count on almost every single day is our bedtime routine which I cherish. It goes something like this: I feed Izzy, then one of us changes her diaper and puts her in a clean sleeper and a swaddleme. Then, we read her a book and show her the pictures, pray with her, and sing a few hymns. I love that every day we have that 30 minutes where all three of us are spending quality time  together. I also love that we pray together as a family and that we pray for her health and salvation and our wisdom as parents on a daily basis, claiming the blessings that we have as a covenant family. Even on days that have been stressful or where one or more of us have not been feeling well, it's a precious time to slow down and enjoy this new family we have. It's quickly becoming something that I look forward to throughout the day!

I mentioned loads and loads of laundry...one of the biggest surprises for me after Izzy was born. I didn't realize how much laundry one (tiny) person can generate. Not only do I have to wash all of her clothes, burp cloths, sheets, etc. every few days but I also have to do more laundry for Nate and I because she's generous enough to share her spit up and other bodily fluids with us pretty regularly. We've also decided to do cloth diapering for the financial savings which means another load every 1-2 days. All of that means that I'm always switching the next load. Sometimes, it makes life seem a bit monotonous and mundane to be filling up most of my days with such tasks after working full time for several years. Our new assistant pastor, David Speakman, spoke to our small group last month about the Biblical view on work and rest. One of the things that I took away is that right now home is where I want to be and the best place for me. I love spending this precious time with Izzy while she's little and I wouldn't trade it for any career because there's nothing that I would rather be doing. My "work" aside from the three hours of office work I do from home a day, is taking care of my house and my family which means a lot of mundane tasks like laundry and dishes. Being boring and simple doesn't mean that they are unimportant however. For this time in my life, I'm serving God and my family in the mundane monotouny of house life and I'm thankful for the opportunity. Even though I generally despise all things domestic, this is the best job I've ever had!***


***Please note, this is NOT a commentary on my views of biblical gender roles or working moms. Every family needs to do what is right for them within a broad biblical framework of how the family is designed.

Train up a child

When you become a parent, you find yourself thinking and worrying about their salvation as much as you do their safety and health. As much as I want to keep my precious daughter safe in this life, I know that her safety in this life is completely pointless if her soul isn't secure in eternity. When I look at her, I feel desperate to ensure that she comes to know God. At our last Bible Study, we were discussing determinism v. free will in light of suffering, children's salvation and unanswered prayers. It is hard for me to look at my beautiful, helpless, vulnerable daughter and know that she was born in sin and that sin condemns her to hell. I know that in a year or two, that sinful, rebellious nature will begin to manifest itself in obvious ways but right now it's hard to believe. I believe very strongly that God is sovereign and that he elects us to salvation or to eternal damnation. I also believe that we are held personally responsible for our actions and our sin. The fact that God has already elected or not elected Isabelle is both comforting and terrifying. It is incredibly hard to know that no matter what I do, my daughter may never come to know God. It's also very comforting to know that no matter what I do, she may still come to know him in spite of me. On the other hand, I believe that how I raise my daughter will have a huge impact on her life and how she comes to know God or doesn't. I know that there are parents who raise their children to be godly, but their children reject the Lord. There are also parents who raise their children to hate God, but somehow their children come to know the Lord.

I have the amazing opportunity to be instrumental in Izzy's salvation and I don't want to miss that opportunity. While this instruction was directed at fathers, I think it applies to mothers as well: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4). I hope that Izzy receives blessings by having parents who are part of the covenant of salvation and the church. Unfortunately, we are also sinful people who act selfishly so often. I pray that we don't do irreversible damage to our child but I take heart in knowing that she is the Lord's and that he has promised to be faithful to his covenant.

Hannah said to the priest Eli, "As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." (1 Samuel 1:26). This verse resounds with me because we prayed for Izzy for a year before we conceived her and the Lord answered our prayer. It's hard to let go and just trust God with her, but she is so much better off in his hands.

Dear Father,

We are so very thankful that you have blessed us with this precious baby girl. We pray that you will choose her and bring about her salvation. Please give us wisdom and guidance to know how to raise her and how to teach her about you. Help us to create a home where she will always feel safe and loved. Help us to be godly examples for Izzy despite our sinful natures. Surround her with friends and family that can help her to grow into a godly woman who knows and loves you. Write her name on your hands and hold her close.

Amen.

mommy and daddy

The last nine days have been a whirlwind and feel more like three weeks. As exhausting as the sleepless nights have been, Izzy is well worth it. One of the strangest things has been adjusting our thinking to being parents. There's no more quick running an errand or making definite plans. I still find myself surprised to be a mother. It's not just something we're trying out for a few weeks. Being a mom will define and change me for the rest of my life. It's crazy to think of her growing up and becoming her own person. Right now she's so tiny and I just want to freeze time and keep her that way. But I also look forward to hearing her first word (mama of course), seeing her learn to walk and play, and all those other milestones. I know time is going to fly.

One of the best things this week has been seeing how easily and quickly Isabelle stole her daddy's heart. Before she arrived, Nate really wasn't sure how he'd feel. I mean, they pretty much sleep, poop, and eat for the first several weeks so it doesn't sound too exciting. He's also never been big on other people's kids. However, the first time he held Izzy you could tell he was taken. He's protective of her and does a great job at soothing her when she's fussy. He's even figured out the whole cloth diaper thing which is truly impressive. He's going to be a great dad :-)

Isabelle's Birthday

I could literally write pages and pages about the events, emotions, surprises, stresses, treasured moments, and blessings of this week. However, while I could write pages, I realize that not everyone is interested in reading that much so I'll try to spread it out over the next few weeks :-) Right now, I want to capture Isabelle's birth story before the details begin to fade.

As everyone who had the misfortune of seeing me in the last few weeks can attest, I was very very ready to have this baby. I had a feeling however that I was not going to have the normal first baby labor experience of having contractions that gradually increase in intensity and frequency until it's time to go to the hospital. Saturday I could tell Izzy had dropped and I started expecting my water to break even though it's rare. Monday night the contractions kept me up until almost 4am when they finally came to a stop. As I headed for a restroom break before going to bed at 4:20am, I felt my water break. I was excited that it was finally time and that I had a definitive indicator to head to the hospital since I had been nervous that I would go too early/late. I walked in to wake Nate up and his response was to say "no, no, it didn't" and try to go back to sleep. A few minutes later he was still confused about what was going on, but got up and started getting ready. We both grabbed showers, packed the last few items, got a hold of my mom and sister, and headed out the door for the last time as a family of two.

We didn't get checked in at the hospital until 5:09am. At that point I was at 3cm and having irregular contractions. The next three checks showed me at 4cm and my contractions weren't getting regular so they started pushing pitosin around 1pm. I had my epidural at 9am. Izzy's heartbeat would drop too low during contractions so they kept having to reduce the pitosin. They also made me flip sides every 30-45 minutes which required the help of 2-3 people since I was completely numb and immobile from the waist down. This did provide some entertainment when I got testy with Nathan for moving the wrong leg and leaving my left leg bent way behind me....the entertaining part was that he was in fact moving the correct leg and it was actually completely straight and exactly where I was asking him to move it. I was so numbed that I was having some kind of phantom leg experience.

We were all starting to worry that they might have to do a c-section since my contractions were so ineffective and they couldn't push more pitosin because her heartbeat was so unstable and they believed she had wrapped the cord around her. Manda was planning to stay for the whole labor but my mom and grandparents were trying to decide what to do since by 10pm I was still only at 5 cm. Right after they checked me, I started to get intense back labor pains and the abdominal pain was breaking through the epidural. Anesthesia offered an extra dose of concentrated epidural. I was concerned about not being able to feel enough to push but they said the numbness would start wearing off in 45 minutes so I figured that was plenty of time.... they decided to check me again because the pain was still around an 8 or 9 with the extra medicine. 20 minutes after I had been barely 5cm dialated, I was now at ten and ready to push. 18 hours for the first 5cm and 20 minutes for the second 5 explained why the pain had been so bad. Fortunately, my grandparents and Ryan were still there since they had been about ready to leave. Mom, Manda, and Nate had been figuring out who got the comfier couch so they all got up and into action. I had to wait a good 40 minutes for enough nurses to be available to start pushing but the pressure wasn't too bad and the contractions had let up so it wasn't too bad. Pushing was a bit difficult because I was so numb, but it wore off some and an hour later they called the doctor in. I was surprised when they said the head was already out and that I could relax while they got the rest of her out. I only glimpsed her for a minute but everyone else could see that she had the cord wrapped around both her neck and body. It was a huge relief to hear her first screams and see her skin start pinking up. Nate cut the cord while they laid her on my chest. I was absolutely overwhelmed with relief that she was out and safe and healthy. After that, they fixed me up and I got to feed her for the first time before the rest of my family came in to see her.

I've never understood why people are so enthralled with what is a gruesome, painful, and dirty process. I can see now though how absolutely amazing it is to see the life, that until now had been only images on a screen and movements in a belly, coming out into the world as a beautiful, unique person. It's truly incredible. Throughout the labor and birth, we had a lot of friends and family praying for us. It meant so much, especially when Izzy was having a low heartbeat and later as I tried to gather the strength to push after so many hours of labor.

Isabelle Marie was born at 1:05am on June 20, 2012, weighing 5lb. 13oz. and measuring 19" tall.

And that's it for today...

The Waiting Game

Izzy has been full-term for almost two weeks now, meaning that while my due date is still a little over a week away, she's safe to come any day now. I would always prefer today. I've discovered that I go through the five stages of grief on a daily basis-denial that I'm still pregnant, anger/annoyance at the level of discomfort and pain, bargaining or begging God to make today I meet my little girl, depression that he said no, and finally acceptance. While this may seem a bit melodramatic, it's pretty much the truth. I have a long list of things that I would love to have done before she comes but most days I'm not feeling up to making much of a dent in the list. The result is that having more time before she comes does not really mean being more prepared. But I'm trying to remember that she must need these extra days/weeks to be fully prepared for life in the real world. I will be quite happy to hold her in my arms instead of in my belly though!

One of the things that has gotten more difficult is trying to make dinner every day. So I decided to try something different this week. Sunday, Nate and I went grocery shopping. Then we came home and spent about 3-4 hours chopping veggies and meat, making pasta, and packaging everything for the freezer so that we had eight dinners ready to go. I've been quite pleased with the results and with how much easier it is during the week because they only take 15-20 minutes to make and clean-up is minimal. I made three different recipes and split them into smaller portions. Two of them I got from http://www.ringaroundtherosies.net and made a few modifications to: teriyaki crock pot chicken and beef tips for grilling. The night before I just pull it out of the freezer and stick it in the fridge. The beef tips might need a few hours on the counter to fully thaw. The lasagna can be cooked frozen but requires 90 minutes.

Next week I plan to try pot roast, hawaiian chicken and veggies for the grill, slow cooker fajitas and pepperoni pasta bake. Yummy!
         '
Beef Tips for Grilling
4lb round steak, sliced against the grain
4 cups mushrooms, sliced (I didn't do this)
2 red bell peppers
4 minced garlic cloves
2 green bell peppers
1 large white onion
1 zucchini (I added)
1/4 cup of worcestershire
salt/pepper to taste

Split everything  into two containers (I made it into three and it was enough food for Nate and I with some garlic bread). shake it up, seal, label and put in the freezer. Instructions for Container: Add sliced mushrooms (optional) and Grill in a basket ‘til veggies are crisp and meat is done to your liking (about 15-20 minutes)
Serve over hot buttery rice or with bread or grilled corn.


Teriyaki Crock Pot Chicken
Medium – Large bag of carrots
White Onion into Large Chunks
2 large cans pineapple (undrained) (I recommend only using the juice from the second can)
4 Garlic Cloves
4 Chicken Breasts
1/2 cup teriyaki sauce
1/2 cup soy sauce
Follow directions above, and split everything into two gallon freezer bags (definitely enough food for three meals for two people). shake it up, seal, label and put in the freezer. Instructions for Bag: Add 1/4 cup teriyaki and soy sauce (1/8 each) to crock pot, Cook on low 8 hours or high 4 hours (this was a bit long for high). Serve over hot rice.

Spinach Lasagna
1 box lasagna noodles, cooked and cooled
2 jars favorite spaghetti sauce, add a little water or plain tomato sauce to make it go farther
1 tub ricotta cheese (the small size)
1 bag mozarella cheese shredded (3 cups)
Oregano, Basil, Parsley, Salt to taste
Spinach (1 bag of fresh, boiled or sauteed OR 1 can)
Foil tins (I used four of the mini bread loaf ones which are perfect for dinner for two)

Combine cheeses with spinach and herbs, leaving a little mozzarella for topping.  Layer sauce, noodles, cheese mixture until you fill up the pan. top with sauce and a little mozzarella. Cover with foil and write on top to bake at 425 for 45-60 minutes OR 90 minutes if frozen. Freeze. Serve alone or with salad or garlic bread.