Labor Scare, Baby Shower, and 25

The last few weeks have been…challenging. I've had two unscheduled doctors visits and one trip to the hospital. The good news is that Izzy is doing well and doesn't seem to be bothered by any of it. The bad news is that I'm in so much pain that I can hardly walk most of the time and the doctors can't do anything about it. My feet are also pretty much permanently swollen at this point. I couldn't believe it when they told me last Friday that, if I was in labor, they wouldn't try to stop it. My assumption was that they always try to stop pre-term labor, but apparently they don't once you're at 33-34 weeks because the risks are pretty low. I was pretty much freaking out because I felt totally unprepared. I'm a planner and I had yet to pack a hospital bag, make my "hospital plan," or buy the last few must have items. So I was quite relieved that I wasn't in labor. This led to me getting my hospital bag and least partially packed, phone call list made up, and those must have items purchased over the weekend. Part of me is so uncomfortable at this point that I'm ready for her to come, but I'm trying to remember that it's best for her to stay in at least until 37 weeks. I can't say I'd be too upset if she decided to come right around May 25th though!

Okay, I'll stop complaining now. The last few weeks have also had some fun times. We had our first baby shower! Our small group from church threw it for us and it was a blast. The girls did the girly stuff for the first hour and a half (gifts, yummy food, and a baby questionnaire that I'm quite sure I had the lowest score on). They did a great job decorating with pink peonies, cute baby items and pictures, and beautiful pink desserts (the cupcakes tasted as good as they looked, Ginny!). We were very blessed to get our last "big item" as well as a bunch of other cute baby items and my very own cleaning caddy (thanks to Lauren Beam). After our girl time, we joined the boys who grilled out for us and enjoyed hanging out for several hours. It's been amazing to us how this group has so quickly welcomed us in and supported us and celebrated with us. We have been incredibly blessed!

For my birthday, Amanda offered to clean our apartment from top to bottom. Since I can't do most of the cleaning anymore and Nathan has a ton on his plate with work and his tablet business, this was the perfect gift. As much as I hate cleaning, having a dirty apartment is a huge stressor for both of us so it's been difficult the last few weeks. Manda came over last week and cleaned the whole place so now we can enjoy a few stress-free, clean weeks! She also stayed for dinner which was fun since she's so busy that we don't hang out very often.

Thursday was my birthday and it started a bit cruddy but improved throughout the day. Nate got me a gift certificate for a prenatal massage and I was actually able to get in the same day. It was amazing and exactly what I needed! My lovely friend Heather treated me to dessert at a local dessertery and then we went to a few baby clothes shops. Nate and I ended the evening with a delicious dinner at Olive Garden. All in all, it turned out to be quite enjoyable! Hard to believe I'm 25 and on my way to 30!

The boring details of a busy few weeks

Well, I am definitely in the third trimester. The last week or two have been really busy since my nesting urge has been in full force. Living in a small two bedroom apartment with a sun room for Nate's office and the complication of having a cat (with a litter box that has to go somewhere) makes it interesting to plan for a baby. So I started with cleaning out the two bedroom closets and the laundry closet to make as much room for storing and rearranging/relocating stuff as possible. The nursery had also been home to a very large table full of my paint supplies and other items which have seen been organized and relocated to my rather small desk. My parents generously provided two shelves so that we could actually get Nate's office organized. The biggest project was the large, torn-up yard sale dresser that my parents gave us for Nate since I monopolize our dresser. It's in the nursery because it was too ugly and to go with our pretty bedroom furniture. But of course I didn't want to have all my cute nursery stuff and then a torn up old dresser. So with the help of my dad (meaning he did most of the work), we redid it last weekend.

Here are the before pictures.

The top had this really thin piece of decorative fake wood that had gotten all torn up.
Because it was fake wood, the only option was to remove it and HOPE that what was underneath was usable. After much deliberation, we went ahead and ripped it off...slowly and mostly tiny piece by tiny piece. Then we had to sand it down, but fortunately there was usable wood underneath. Dad, with a little help from me, then put on two coats of primer and three coats of the green paint we went with.

Here's the final product: 

 




















Just a small improvement!!!

After that was done and my art supplies put away, I put together the swing/rocker, my super comfy glider, and a 6-cube shelving unit. I'm also making the crib skirt to go with the cute curtains my mom made so I painstakingly cut out all of the quilt squares for it and pinned them together. Now I just have to sew it... I also pre-washed all the diapers (what a pain!), registered for CPR class and the hospital tour, and called a pediatrician for an interview. I still have a ton left on my "Izzy list," but I feel like I'm making progress and at least have a nursery rather than a storage unit now! Can't wait to get it all done and post pictures! I also put the final touches on my baby registry and I'm determined not to look at it again, at least until after the first shower! (Since people have been asking, we're registered at Target with some stuff available online only but most of it in stores).

Unfortunately, one of the negatives of nesting is that I have little interest or energy left over for other things...like my Corp. Finance course or cooking. The little energy I have has mostly gone into painting. I finally finished two paintings for my mom that have been mostly done for months and I started a really big city scene that I'm excited about. So I'll have to try to strike a bit of a balance. May is going to be crazy with two baby showers, two mommy classes, the hospital tour, birthdays and Mother's day, doctor appointments, finishing the last few weeks of my class, and trying to finish the nursery but most of it should at least be fun!

I got the good news that I most likely have a part-time office job. I'll go in this week to see what the job entails and meet the boss but it sounds like just what I need so we're very thankful for that!

Nate has also been staying super busy between his normal full time job which has a lot going on right now, working hard to try to get this tablet deal, helping me around the house, and trying to deal with my third-trimester mood swings. My prayer is that by the time June comes, we'll have a lot of this stuff out of the way and have a week or two to catch up on sleep before Izzy makes an appearance.

A letter to Isabelle Marie

Dear Izzy,

Well, we've finally decided on a name eight weeks after finding out that you're a girl. Isabelle means "God's promise" and your middle name is your Grandmama's middle name.  Preparations for your arrival are in full swing at this point and it's becoming obvious that you are growing away in mommy's belly. The closer it gets to your arrival, the more real it becomes that you are about to change our lives forever. We worry about having everything we'll need and knowing how to take care of you, but mostly we worry about making sure that you always know how much you are loved and prayed for.

We wonder what you'll look like (Daddy hopes you'll have Mommy's eyes and my nose :-) ) and what kind of personality you'll have. Sadly, it seems unlikely that you'll be able to escape some nerdiness with us for parents but hopefully it'll serve you well. Mommy wonders if you'll be a type A oldest child like she was (and is) or if some of your dad's laid back approach to life will rub off on you.  Will you be outspoken like Mommy or have your daddy's easy way with people? And what parts of your personality will be wholly and originally you?

We talk about what kind of woman we hope you'll grow up to be. Strong but gentle, warm-hearted, smart and capable, discerning and slow-to-anger, confident but humble. Already we think about how you'll interact with other kids, how you'll overcome the difficulties of being a teenager, praying that you'll draw your confidence in who you are from your Heavenly Father and the fact that you are made in his image. We pray that God will bring you a loving husband who can lead you, provide for you, and protect you. Someone that can make you laugh and who loves you for who you are.

There are three more months 'til we get to meet you face to face, but we want you to know that you have been hoped and prayed for and loved since before you even existed. We can't wait to hold you in our arms!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Eternity written on our hearts

"He has put eternity into man's heart…." Ecclesiastes 3:11

A few weeks ago, Nate was reading through Matthew 6 before bed and we were discussing it. The chapter is a bit confusing because it seems to link all of the various sections together as though they are part of one continuing thought. There are some obvious themes such as hypocrisy, worrying, praying, etc. We were trying to figure out how they all worked together though. The one unifying theme that we could find was eternity. In the first three sections on giving to the needy, prayer, and fasting, the focus seems to be on hypocrisy. I think however that the real theme is about our focus---whether it is eternal or in the moment. Are we interested in earning a small, fleeting reward now or a greater treasure in eternity?  He sums all this up in the Treasures in Heaven section.

Then you've got this whole section about not worrying. This one is pretty convicting. He doesn't chastise us for worrying about trivial things like social status, bad haircuts, designer purses, etc. That would be perfectly reasonable. No, God actually commands us not to worry about the basics: what we eat and drink and what we wear. That's a lot harder. I can easily justify worrying about whether we'll have food on the table, be able to pay the bills, afford our rent, etc. After all, these are the essentials of survival. How can God ask me not to worry about them? He has a point though---by worrying can you add a single hour to your life? Is there any benefit in worrying? In planning and being wise and working hard, absolutely. In worrying? Not at all. Then, God ties it back into eternity. The pagans worry about the concerns of this life, but we have a God who already knows that we need them and is perfectly capable of providing without our worries. Our focus shouldn't be on this momentary existence but on eternal things-his kingdom and his righteousness. The best part is that he promises that if we seek these things, the others will be provided as well.

This has been on my mind for weeks now because I've spent more time worrying since I got pregnant than pretty much anything else. I've worried about miscarrying, birth defects, what I eat, what I don't eat, remembering to take my daily vitamin, taking too many meds, everything we have to buy, everything I have to get done, what kind of job I'll be able to handle and keep up with an infant, whether she'll hate the name we choose, etc. etc. etc. And those are just the immediate concerns. What about all of the millions of parenting decisions we'll have to make? It's been a daily struggle to remember that God is really in control of it all and that he's given us such a blessing already. It's easy to forget that I spent 12 months worrying that I wouldn't ever be able to have a baby and yet God answered that prayer and my worrying didn't help anything. The point? My time and energy is far better spent on the eternal and on having faith in an all-powerful God rather than worrying about what I cannot help.

No more "It"

One of my least favorite parts of pregnancy (other than daily vomiting and hating all my favorite foods) has been calling the baby "it." I've tried to avoid it as much as possible by saying "the baby" or "Baby Beam" or "he or she" but that can get awkward. So yesterday was the long awaited day when we could finally find out which pronoun to use! I was incredibly nervous about the ultrasound since it's been 13 weeks since we've seen the baby. I had worries about missing limbs or malfunctioning organs and every other thing that could go wrong.

The tech started by taking pictures of the spine, heart, kidneys, limbs, etc., all of which were perfect! It took a while before she got the shot she needed to determine gender but fortunately it was a clear picture, leaving no doubt that we are having a.....

GIRL!!!

Needless to say, I had a few tears of joy at having all my worries of horrible birth defects relieved and at finding out that we had indeed gotten our wish for a baby girl. SHE still does not have a name as we are totally torn between two. Hopefully we'll be able to make that decision soon! For now, I'm excited about buying some adorable little girl outfits and bows and all of that fun stuff!

She kept putting her arm up to fend us off. She didn't like all the prodding.

Kind of strange how much of the bones this thing picks up...kind of looks like an alien face!

Five a.m. rambling thoughts...

This week has been a bit rough between pregnancy headaches and the sudden return of my morning sickness. I've pretty much just been hanging out. I did however, manage to read all three Hunger Games books in three days…. I was initially uninterested when I read the sleeve on the first one, but finally gave in to the unanimous endorsement of…well, everyone. And I have to agree, these are a great read! They are well written and keep you pulled in all the way through. The characters are well developed and realistically flawed. The books are a great blend of politics, enough futuristic technology to intrigue any sci-fi nerd, romance, and action. They had far more depth than I originally anticipated from the "teenage gladiator games" description I had read. If anybody has a Nook and wants to borrow them, let me know!

I ended up sleeping away most of Saturday because of my nausea meds…unfortunately, this meant that I was wide awake from midnight to 5am Saturday night. Annoying. Nathan was up for a while because he's a late nighter. We browsed through our baby name book again. I'm not supposed to have an ultrasound for another four weeks but I've been freaking out about some things so I'm going to request it at my 17 week appt. Tuesday….which means we could find out the gender in just two days!! I feel like once we know, we'll want to decide on a name right away. So that was fun. We definitely have some favorites but nothing we're totally set on yet. After expecting to have to wait til February, I can't believe we might know this week! And I have absolutely no idea… for the first part of the pregnancy, I totally thought of the baby as a girl but I think my mom's finally brainwashed me into expecting a boy. The good part of that is that I'm a little more adjusted and a little less terrified by the idea of raising a boy. It's not that I don't want one eventually, I just feel like I know what I'm doing with a girl. I can handle dress-up, playing house, even the whole teenage girl thing…after all I grew up in a house of estrogen. But boys? Messy, adventurous, "boys will be boys" boys? I'm clueless.

Then we got talking about church (at three in the morning)…

Moving and visiting churches has made us re-examine what we're looking for in a church. I feel like everyone has their "pet purpose." Church obviously serves multiple purposes, but everybody usually has one that is most important to them when they are searching. One of our friends is super relational (and theological) and the most important thing to him in a church and a pastor is the ability to build relationships and have community. I get that because true community is hard to find and oh so important. We're definitely not meant to do this life alone and I believe the local church should be our primary support group--other than family. Having people that aren't afraid to be real and struggle together is invaluable.

We had a challenging discussion recently with another couple who really want to find a church that is service oriented. We're clearly instructed to take care of the poor and the needy but a lot of churches assume this means supporting missions (part of the picture) and maybe having a deacon's fund for families in the church. This couple wants to do more, specifically getting involved with community outreach in a real way. And not just as a way to guilt people into giving you five minutes to rattle off the Romans Road of the gospel, but because the service itself is the gospel at work. It definitely pushed us to look at not just finding a church where we can learn and fellowship, but where we can serve as well or that is at least open to our ideas on serving.

For me, and I think for Nate, we're naturally drawn to churches with gifted teachers where we can learn. Especially at this point, where we are still trying to work out some of the major points of our theology and need some strong guidance. We've been really blessed in Huntington and in Lynchburg to have pastors who were gifted teachers and invested time in helping us work through some of this stuff. It was an added blessing to have community with our RUF pastor, Jason, and fellow RUFers in Huntington but not the reason we chose the church. Corporate worship is also one of the other functions of the church and this has been strong in both of our last two PCA churches. The administration of the sacraments is also one of the church's purposes and one that's important to us to be done right. While practice may vary on some of the finer points (Welch's v. Merlot, singing, liturgy, etc.), there are some things that shouldn't vary such as an attitude of reverence, a clear explanation of the sacrament, and a barring of the table.

The hard part is figuring out what's most important (and not just personal preference), what's Biblical, what can be compromised or found elsewhere, etc. For instance, is it necessary that solid teaching occur in a Sunday morning service or is one-on-one counseling sufficient? How much do the finer points of the Lord's supper reflect a matter of the heart and how much are they just personal preference? Do you have to have community with the whole body or just your community group? How involved should the church be in witnessing to and serving the community? What does that actually look like today? How important is it that the service reflect time and forethought in its selection of songs and liturgy? Should that really impact the worship?

Unfortunately we don't have a lot of answers. We have a lot of personal preferences. We know what we like and what we're comfortable with. But that's not the same as knowing for sure what's Biblical or what's simply a matter of preference in practice. Some things are obviously unbiblical, but those are usually easy to identify and avoid.  Needless to say, the culmination of our discussion was that we need to do some investigating, both of what's biblical and meeting with the leadership of the church we're attending to see what they really think on all of this stuff beyond what is apparent on Sunday mornings. Since we're here for the long haul though, we definitely need to do the work to figure all --well, at least a lot---of this stuff out before seeking membership. We also have six months to make a final decision on where we stand on infant baptism and get comfortable enough to explain that stance either way.

Miracle and Must Eats

So I wrote these when I knew that I wanted to create a blog but hadn't actually done it yet.

November 21, 2011 (10 weeks pregnant)

Miracle. This is the word that I've often heard used by mothers to describe pregnancy and childbirth. I never quite understood exactly what they meant and thought that perhaps they were exaggerating the experience. My skepticism didn't stop me from wanting to find out though. When we were going through fertility testing and finding out what difficulties we faced, people were  often quick to tell us that we could just adopt. While I understand that they meant well and that adoption is very special in its own way, my heart was set on getting to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and all that goes with it. After eleven disappointing months, I finally got a positive test! Then a negative…then another positive…then another negative…and a third positive. We found out later that I was a week ahead of where I thought I was which meant my HCG levels were so low that it was easy to get negatives. I had taken the test so early because I was experiencing extreme exhaustion and figured that I was either pregnant or having a mono recurrence. Obviously, it was the former.

It's amazing to me that my body experienced such changes so quickly, literally within a day or two after conception. At that point, the baby was only a tiny embryo but it set off a chain reaction immediately. Within two weeks, I was experiencing a full range of pregnancy symptoms from the continuing exhaustion to all day morning sickness, food aversions, an increased sense of smell which goes poorly with the nausea, abdominal cramps, and even odd ones like recurring hiccups.  Despite all the obvious signs of the baby, I doubted I was really pregnant. I've heard of women causing pregnancy symptoms because they want to be pregnant so badly and was afraid I could have done that. I was also terrified that every cramp was a sign of impending miscarriage. I was so anxious by my first doctor's visit that I asked for an ultrasound. Thankfully, the ultrasound showed one baby in the uterus right where it's supposed to be. And we got to hear and SEE the heart beating! It was awesome. At that point (six weeks, 5 days), the baby was so small it was literally just a small blob but we could still see the heart pumping away. Needless to say it was amazing! I had proof that I was indeed pregnant rather than crazy. :-)

Everyday it is incredible to me that such a vulnerable and small thing could actually survive inside of me and thrive and grow. It is truly a miracle that there is something LIVING inside my body. I can't feel it moving yet but I know it is. I can't wait until I feel the first flutters of this miracle that is sucking away all of my energy and waking me in the middle of the night to run to the bathroom. I thought my friend Rachel was being a bit harsh when she referred to her darling Hope as a "parasite" but it seems appropriate now. Despite the physical discomforts of the first trimester, pregnancy is truly a miracle. Knowing that a precious little baby that I will hold in my arms in seven months is being literally knit together in my womb is almost beyond my comprehension.

I still get anxious with every new pain and odd feeling. I have to remind myself daily that God blessed us with a baby at the most unlikely time when I had almost given up hope of natural conception. I should have more faith that if he has blessed us with an unlikely pregnancy, there is no reason not to believe that he can also cause this one inch miracle to grow into a healthy, full-grown baby. I'm finally getting to the point where I can plan ahead and start thinking about things like birthing plans, nursery designs, names, and whether this precious child will turn out to be as much of a nerd as his/her parents.

At ten weeks and 4 days, I have a little over a week left in the most dangerous period and three weeks left in my first trimester. I can't wait to wake up without nausea and enjoy my favorite foods again, but for now I'll accept these unpleasant symptoms as a sign that our baby is happily growing away!

December 2, 2011 (12 weeks pregnant)

When the most exciting parts of your diet for several weeks are CapriSuns and ginger snaps, you start to fantasize about some of your favorite foods…or even the foods that you normally just tolerate. The diet this last week has been particularly monotonous so I decided to make a list of foods that sound good. Hopefully by the second trimester, they will taste as good as they sound.

• Pepperoni pizza…from Mario's and Papa John's
• Sweet tea...I greatly miss this southern, sugary delight
• Spinach Lasagna
• Red Lobster's biscuits and chicken alfredo
• Grilled cheese with pepper jack
• Pinwheels
• Salads
• Mac & Cheese
• Asparagus, corn and carrots
• Fries
• Southwestern egg rolls
• Spinach and artichoke dip
• Peanut butter
• Brie pastry with raspberry jam
• Chicken chili
• Qdoba
• Saltines with cream cheese and red pepper jelly

January 3, 2012 (Today)
I was very helpful that my fourteenth week of pregnancy would bring a magical end to the morning sickness. No such luck. The worst is over but I still have good days and bad days. And it can sneak up totally unexpected. Acupuncture helps but it's expensive. The best I can do right now is try to keep something on my stomach and avoid greasy foods. Hopefully only a few more weeks of this! As an update to the Must Eats...unfortunately most of these foods are still on my bad list. I did manage to make and eat chicken chili and hope to make stuffed shells/lasagna this week. I can eat pizza but no pepperoni. Salads and peanut butter are mostly okay and mac and cheese is back on my favorites list. I'm making a concerted effort to eat healthier and get in lots of fruits and veggies but a few things are working against me. For one, it's winter and there aren't a lot of great fruits out there. Secondly, half of them still nauseate me. I'm also totally paranoid that they've gone bad like the day after I buy them for some reason. Oranges and tangerines, never a pre-pregnancy favorite, have become a daily staple and canned pears aren't too bad. I could live on grape juice.