One of the things that really irked me in the first few years of our marriage was references to "the honeymoon phase." People would frequently ask if we were still in this honeymoon phase or towards the end of the second year, make negative comments about it coming to an end. At the time, I didn't really know why this bothered me so much. I think I've figured it out though. Many of these well-meaning friends were demonstrating a certain mentality about marriage, whether or not they really believe it or were just being conversational. The mentality was that this "honeymoon phase," which is idealistic and marked by infatuation and emotionally driven behavior, is the good or the best part of marriage and that it's downhill after that. The idea that the first year or two of marriage are the best you'll ever have is sad and very dangerous. This is just one of the many cultural beliefs that has helped degrade our marriages because paired with the idea that we should always do what makes us happy, it leads to some pretty short marriages. The problem with the whole thing is that you're assuming a marriage is at it's best during a period of time when your love is largely about emotions and obsession (and no, I'm not saying that this is always the case for every couple). If that's the case, I highly recommend not getting married. There is obviously an emotional component to love, but love is an action and a choice, not a feeling alone. Marriage is a covenant, a promise to love each other through all the trials of life until the end of life. You can't make that promise with any hope of keeping it if you think love is strongest at the beginning. You can only make that promise if you have decided to actively love your spouse regardless of how you feel about them and what you're going through. This may not sound romantic, but it's really the key to a true, lasting romance. When you've committed to each other like that, you can have a truly happy marriage. Those warm, gushy feelings should be an outcome of your faithful love towards each other, not the foundation of it.
All of this to say, those first couple of years are fun and exciting and special and you'll never get them back. But they are not the best. Marriage just gets better. Every day that you live life together, every day that you wake up and make the decision to treat your spouse with love and respect, every day that you get to know your spouse better makes your marriage better. I do not mean that every day will be happy or that you'll always like your spouse. It's far more likely that you will have days or even weeks or years where your marriage struggles and is even miserable for a time. When that happens you can get out and jump into another relationship that will be happy for a time before also falling apart. Or you can stick it out and keep your covenant. Interestingly enough, Tim Keller noted in his book, the Meaning of Marriage, that most couples who are unhappy right now but stick it out, are happy within five years and go on to have happy marriages.
On a similar note, when we were planning to have a child and while I was pregnant and after I had Izzy, a number of people made comments about life being over after having a kid. Life is definitely different and will never be the same, but it is so much better.
Nate and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary this weekend and I can truly say that I am happier, more in love, more satisfied with my marriage and our life together than I ever have been before. What really excites me is that I believe in five more years, I'll be able to say the same thing. We're both far from perfect and we have our flaws and pet peeves and sinful natures. There are plenty of times that we annoy or even infuriate each other. But we also push each other to grow, to love God more, to love others more, to be sanctified. There's no one but Nate that I would rather be with and I look forward to the rest of our lives together.
